I just finished my book/s. Within the timeframe I'd given myself.
'Battleship Jo' and 'Joneliness'.
Two books in one. Like a coin with two sides. Like a story has two sides.
I didn't write them to become an author. I wrote them because I had nowhere else to go.
They began as notes to Jo. And notes about her.
To remember. To hear her voice again. To say the things I never said.
I should have said more. Much more.
Planned those holidays. Promised less. Done more.
Left the office early. Dropped those pointless meetings. Held her longer.
She once asked if I loved her. I said yes. But not like I should have.
These books say it now. For her. For me.
One book holds her fire. The other, the ashes of me.
Writing them has helped me stop pretending. Helped me stand. Helped me accept she's gone.
I didn't write them to be wise. More to sublimate my sadness. But I learned a few things.
We don't get forever. We barely get enough.
Even though I never meant the books to be more than recording memory, you might find something in them for yourself.
Some moist learnings. The kind grief drags in without warning.
You start seeing what you never saw before. The truth about people. And presence. And what really matters.
Most of us trade time for people who fade away when we need them most.
Especially when the big black clouds roll in, and you're standing out there alone.
They could be friends. Colleagues. Acquaintances. Even family.
But they're not there. Not in the hospital. Not in your darkness.
It's not surprising. Not their fault either. Life is like that. Brutal, but true.
In the end, we will all be alone.
All we will have are our little worlds, and our immediate family.
It's truth you will have to accept - from real-life experiences or vicariously.
Grief is a very personal enterprise. You will have to find ways to work with your tears.
Somewhere between losing her and learning to live again, I found a way forward.
Not away from her. But forward with her absence.
These are the books I had to write. For me. Maybe for people like me.
I hope they'd open some windows. And let a little more light in.
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